Chapter 29

Not many people know that Chapter 29 started with me gasping for air

in a bathroom stall

on my birthday.

Trying to talk myself into going back out to the event

and having fun with my friends.

My hands were shaking.

I was short of breath.

My muscle stimulator was higher than it had ever been before.

My mind kept reminding me

of how weak I was.

I was having a procedure done the next day,

so what fun could I actually have?

My sisters were right outside those doors,

and rather than telling them that I needed their help,

I cried alone in the bathroom,

trying to fight my own demons.

The food sat in my throat,

and I couldn’t bring myself to enjoy it.

Drag queens danced around me,

and all I could think about was not losing my cool.

Stay calm.

Don’t let them know how messed up you are.

That day, my smile was fake,

and my eyes hurt from holding back tears.

What a way to start

the next chapter of my life.

the rest of 29 was what you would call

a roller coaster of events.

Celibacy was a big part of it,

and I was finally ready to get back out there.

My ex was my best friend,

and he had already moved on quicker than I did.

He waited three weeks

after we broke up.

I waited seventeen months.

Waiting for someone

I trusted enough

to give myself to again.

Guys pursued me,

giving me their resumes

on why they could get the job done—

but no one seemed qualified.

They all felt grimy

and untrustworthy

with my body.

Then came along

my neurospicy superhero.

A comfort with a stranger

I never knew I could have.

His voice soothed my racing heart,

and he spoke as if there were no worries in the world—

like we were the only two people in the room.

He took his time with me,

but he also took charge

so that I didn’t have to.

That weekend,

I felt like I came back to life.

I took the step

I had been afraid to take for months,

and he held my hand.

⸻

I was so blinded by my progress

that I didn’t see the collision

that was about to take place.

A constant in my life was wrecked.

My baby, Venus.

I had her for seven years,

and she had gotten me through

some of my darkest times.

She was there

for all my intimate moments

and for every tear shed.

We vibed to every song you could think of,

and she got me from point A to point B.

In an instant,

two deer took her away.

I couldn’t brake fast enough.

I couldn’t avoid the hit.

And I couldn’t save the life

of an innocent.

I had to watch

the consequences

of my actions.

What did this mean?

Was this karma

for taking that step toward intimacy?

What were the odds

that I broke my celibacy

and then hit

one of God’s gentlest creatures?

Everything has a meaning,

and I was going to find out soon enough.

I cried for the life I took

and asked God

to forgive me.

⸻

The summer was fun

despite all the chaos.

I helped my sister heal

even though I was still broken.

I watched her in admiration

as she allowed herself to feel,

process,

and move on

from her heartache.

I kept mine close

because I didn’t know

how to let him go.

Every sign

was ignored.

 was too selfish

to take another step forward.

I was too afraid.

Then God sent another sign—

and I ignored that one too.

This time,

my freedom was taken.

I never blamed my best friend

for the accident,

but I’ve always wondered

if it was a sign

that I should have let him go

before he ended up hurting me.

My leg was cut

close to my Achilles,

and I needed

thirteen stitches.

Not a punishment.

A warning

to slow my life down.

I was stuck in the house

for a second time,

forced to deal

with unresolved feelings.

Angry.

Frustrated.

Unable to be out in the world

like I planned—

but in my mind,

at least I still had

my best friend.

Sadly,

all good things

come to an end.

And I didn’t see

the next blow coming.

I knew both of these events

were going to happen.

I just didn’t know

they were going to happen

at the same time.

I took another step forward

and went back to school

for my master’s degree.

I waited five years

because I was unsure

of the path I wanted to take.

My dad and my sisters

pushed me for years,

and I finally decided

it was time.

My best friend stood by my side,

telling me everything

I needed to hear.

Walking me through the darkness

when I couldn’t see.

Promising he would never

leave my side.

Who would’ve guessed

that was the biggest lie of all?

My grandfather—

sicker than he let on—

was admitted to the hospital.

His back-and-forth battle continued,

even though I knew

all he wanted

was to give up.

He fought to make sure

all loose ends were tied

until his very last breath.

I held his hand

as the life

drained from him.

My best friend found “love”

so quickly,

and her insecurities

pushed me away.

The one time

you had the chance

to fight for me,

you proved

that I was the gum

beneath your shoe.

I was loyal.

And what did that get me?

More heartache.

The loss of a five-year friendship.

And the loss of my grandfather.

I was emotionally drained,

a physical zombie,

moving through my days

in survival mode—

not realizing

how much time

was passing me by.

Love tried to find me again.

And it led

to another loss.

My neurospicy hero.

I wanted to see

if I could give myself

to another man,

and I tried.

The connection was undeniable,

so I had to let

my hero go.

The weekend I did,

another accident occurred.

Another one of God’s innocents

taken

because of my actions.

Our intimacy started

with a crash.

And it ended

with a crash.

Was this a sign?

Should I have given

my hero more time?

Was I moving too fast

when I wasn’t truly healed?

Yes.

The answer was yes.

I needed to fix

the broken pieces of my heart

before giving it

to another man.

I finally allowed my sisters

to help me gather those pieces.

I leaned on my family

when I was too sick

to take care of myself.

And I started speaking

instead of holding

everything in.

So the real question is—

what will Chapter 30 bring?

More heartache?

More tragedy?

More pain?

What I’ve learned

is that it’s out of my control.

All I can do

is hold on tight

for the ride—

and protect myself

along the way.