Poetry
Pending... just like my life
My poetry is very precious to me because it is based off how I feel 100% of the day. I also like to write different parts to a recurring poem about my anxiety called "State of Mind". Once the pen hits the paper and the tears are shed, I feel like a whole new woman. I'm hoping my poetry can bring some relief to you as well.
Choices
October 20th, 2021
It has always been difficult for me to let go… especially when something I love is being left behind. Over the years I’ve learned that in order to grow, you have to welcome change into your life. Change for me is uncomfortable and awkward. My heart pounds and I sweat constantly as I’m unsure of what step to take next. Lately I’ve been running from it because I’m afraid things won’t work out. I am truly terrified to take that next big step. Especially if it lands me in another unhappy place. I want to feel good… excited… Alive! My friends and family tell me that it’s not that far. They say the water is shallow, but I can’t see the bottom. What if I drown? What if they can’t pull me back up? What if something pulls me further down from the surface? I’m afraid. I want to stay with the one that brings me comfort. However, the demons around them are tearing me apart. Taking advantage of my kindness and making me bitter. I can’t save them as much as I want to. I have to let them go and find my own way. Hopefully they will have the choice to find happiness one day, just like me.
Appearances
October 21st, 2021
I feel like Wybie from Coraline,
a smile sewn on my face.
Fooling everyone in sight.
Tears of frustration stain my cheeks as I'm forced to hold back what I want to say.
Guilt scratching at the base of my throat....
waiting for the harsh words to slip past the thread.
They don't care, so why should I?
A question that haunts my soul.
Bruised lips...
Weary eyes...
And a very heavy heart.
I've grown into a woman, but the girl in me is still exhausted.
Frustration and stress move swiftly, as if they are dancing the Tango.
Stomping on my fingers and toes as I try to crawl my way out.
I'm beaten down with words... each one picked out so precisely just to upset me.
That smile... letting everyone know that I'm okay, never leaves my face.
People believe it to be true.
They believe the lie... or maybe they just don't care enough to see the needle and thread.
The Witch
October 29th, 2021
The woman I fight to keep locked away can be a real bitch.
She frightens me...
I also envy her...
She fears nothing and no one.
But the rage...
The anger...
The fire deep inside, can be smothering.
At times we are alike,
Lost and confused.
Not sure if we should turn right or left.
Other times, she speaks for me when I don't want her to.
Her jealousy consumes me, so that she doesn't feel alone.
Blood boiling. Veins tingling. The mind, a fucked up construction site.
I run from it... while she embraces it.
The witch that cast spells, but has an unfriendly opinion about everyone around her.
Who would want to be her friend?
But then who would want to be my friend?
Because she is me...
An Addict's Kiss
My body trembles as if it were a cold winter night.
It has been days since I have seen you...
Felt you...
Even been in the same room as you, but now I am getting my chance.
I wrap my hands around you... barely able to contain my arousal.
You have been there for me, through the good and the bad.
How can anyone hate something that is so good to me?
Jealous of my infatuation for you because they know that they will never find anything THIS perfect.
I take you home and lie across the bed...
Relief slowly comes as my dull ache subsides.
Your kiss is sharp, but sweet... Leaving a glorious reminder on my flesh.
My heart pounds as I feel your love racing through my veins.
The high I've been yearning for finally transpires and I feel warmth once more.​
November 22, 2016
Daily Routine
(The views of a Wife)
My vocal cords are strained.
My brain is exhausted.
Your fists are bawled up tight and your nostrils are flared.
I watch the rise and fall of your chest as you pace around the room.
Our eyes finally meet... my brown to your green.
Mine swell with tears as I listen to my heart slowly shatter.
Once again I am left disappointed...
The painful words of "I told you so" haunts my soul.
You promised that it would never happen again... and here we stand today.
Face to face... Raw and wounded.
Anger filling the room.
Regretful words floating in the air, that neither one of us can take back.
Your eyes are filled with rage, as you realize that my trust in you has faded a little more.
I wrap myself in my own embrace and your shoulders relax.
You step forward...
I step back.
You whisper...
I turn away, tired of your excuses.
My wrist is encircled by your warm unfaithful hands.
"I am sorry" sits between us like trash on a hot day.
Malodorous and inescapable.
My tears finally fall and I am pulled into your arms... and into the scent of the other woman.
Stolen Moments
(The views of a Lover)
I open my eyes to catch a glimpse before you go.
But to my surprise, you still lie next to me... sleeping peacefully.
I turn toward you, listening to your soft low breathing.
Oh how I wish I got to see this every morning.
I place my hand on your cheek... the stubble rough against my hand.
A smile appears on your lips and my heart flutters.
Gradually your eyes open, revealing those pools of green.
You pull me close and a fire ignites deep within me.
Skin to skin...
Chest to breast...
Our lips are moving fast.
We know that we only have this moment, which never seems to last.
You scramble to your feet and whisper those three awful words.
It is like a sour taste in my mouth that never seems to go away.
I watch you place the silver band on the finger... closest to your heart.
It reminds me that I can never truly have you to myself.
I wipe away a few stray tears as you walk out the door.
Your goodbyes are bittersweet, but I know that I get to hear them once more.
The Truth
(The views of a Husband)
When I shift to the right...
I think of you.
When I shift to the left...
I think of her.
My side of the bed is always cold since I've been with her.
I no longer get to feel your tenderness.
Our circle of trust has been broken... and you say that it can't be repaired.
I saw the papers on the night stand and it took my breath away.
Now I finally see how much I have hurt you... which is my deepest regret.
I turn to the right again, only to see the back of you... a place I never wanted to be.
My selfishness has driven you away, that I can not deny.
She was just an addiction... that was oh so hard to break.
Like alcohol...
More like Heroin... a fix that I couldn't wait to take.
Sweetheart, you are my rehab...Without you I am nothing.
Just another addict lost amongst others.
I place my arm around you, instantly feeling warmth.
You snuggle against me... allowing my breathing to fall in sync with yours.
I love you baby...
I am so sorry...
And I give you my word that you will no longer have to deal with that whore.
-HC Abiona
Midnight Cravings
I have such an insatiable hunger, deep within me that no one can satisfy.
The beast is knocking on the door… hinges coming undone.
I guard the door, but my knees are getting weak.
He’s only supposed to come out when I tell him to.
Now he wants to lock me in the basement and take my true form.
He aches for intimacy and so do I.
He’s practically starving… so I give him what I can.
My flesh is hanging on my bones.
How much more do I have to give?
Who will give it to me, so that I can survive?
I can hear his claws splintering through the wooden door.
My heart pounds as my arousal makes itself known.
Deep breathing no longer helps…
Self-pleasure can only keep the beast at bay for so long.
He needs to be satisfied.
I need to be satisfied.
Someone come hold the door up with me.
I need a strong reliable man who understands our frustrations and desires.
Help tame the beast.
Letters to a Lover
I stare out the window into the starry night.
The colors change from shades of orange and red to violet and navy blue. It was a long stressful day, I can feel it in every nerve and muscle within my body. Oh how I wish you were here with me…
A light breeze slips through the window, kissing my soft skin.
Goosebumps rise as I think of you again. How your touch unravels me in ways no one else can...
And the sound of your voice. Deep and rugged... it can make me do foolish things.
I slip my hand into my panties when I feel your presence in the room.
"Good evening, my Love."
I let out a soft whimper as the pleasure builds up inside of me.
"I've missed you." The words barely escaping my lips.
My hand is replaced by yours, as you get reacquainted with my sex. She is already wet from your familiar touch.
"I've missed you too, Love."
I feel your warm breath fan my neck as I take in your scent.
Sweet and masculine all tied in one.
I gasp as you press and grind your erection against my behind. It brings joy to my heart, knowing how much I arouse you.
I turn, wanting to see your face, but you grab my hips keeping me in place.
"Let me finish pleasing you, darling."
I feel myself losing all control, as your lips travel down my neck to my shoulder.
I come undone around you as your two fingers slide inside… slowly pumping into me.
You take a step back, allowing me to take in your magnificent physique.
Pale skin gleaming in the moonlight…
Tented pants due to your thick member….
Always locked, loaded and ready for action. Eyes burning with desire and passion like a lion staring at its prey.
My eyes widen with excitement as you raise your fingers to your mouth.
Warm….
Wet….
And sticky with my love.
You place them in your mouth…. Sucking hard. Eyes locked on mine. What a glorious man you are.
I quickly pull them out of your mouth, replacing them with my lips. They move against yours.
Swiftly.
Hungrily. And possessively.
You are mine… and I am yours. Now it is my turn to pleasure you.
M.B.D
Around this time, I always feel so broken.
Emotions flowing through me like high tide. Swallowing me down to the cold sea bottom.
Darkness lurks… I cannot see my way out. I hate feeling this way. It’s getting more difficult to hide.
I’m pretty sure you saw a glimpse of it today… and you should run.
I feel like baggage… a burden to carry around.
A storm cloud over your head.
Avoid it.
Look away from it.
Run dammit run.
I don’t want to take you down with me.
I am alone.
On the inside and the outside.
I want to be happy, but I don’t know how to be.
I did not have the desire to wear my mask today…
I am too tired and fear has won this battle.
Buried alive for days as my anxiety, insomnia, and self-loathing beat their fists down on my tomb.
I hope I make it out this time… no bruises or scratches, but with a new understanding of who I want to be.
Creating a Masterpiece
You grip me firmly with your cold... cast-iron hands.
A familiar and sensational touch that can make me do anything.
While wet… my stroke is easy.
I watch the creativity sparkle in your eyes, as you dream and hold me close. Finally you are ready and I let you take control. Up…
Down…
Side to side.
Your mind is wandering freely.
You are my master and I, your humble servant, only here to please.
You pant…
And I sweat…
Another masterpiece is done. Your genius shines before me and I am pleased to be apart of it.
I am cleaned…
I am dried…
Eventually laid to rest.
Everyday with you is an adventure,
I wonder what we will create next.
-H.C. Abiona
Pieces
Her mask cracks and she is winded.
Fragments fall down by her feet.
Her scars are revealed... ones that she has been hiding for years.
Kneeling down in front of you, she holds out her heart.
Vivacious... yet impaired.
You take it in your hands... squeezing tightly and dropping it to the floor.
Once again, parts of her mask fall... until there is nothing left.
It brings you great pleasure to have her before you.
Desolate and mortified.
You turn and walk away, as I stand in your place.
My embrace uplifts her broken spirit as we slowly begin to pick up the pieces...
Lust Letters (Part 1)
I find myself thinking about you often.
Sometimes you slip away, but slowly drift back when I find some comfort.
I don't know what this feeling is, but it is driving me crazy.
I feel hypnotized most of the time.
Caught and swooning from your love spell.
Your name dances on my tongue as I remember your bitter yet sweet taste.
I must be out of my fucking mind to feel this way about someone I don't know.
It sucks that you're ignoring me...
Talking when you are good and ready.
What have I done to deserve that?
I'm human... I have a heart... I have feelings.
You're standing on my chest with steel toe boots.
Only allowing me so much air.
Enough to breath, but the right amount to suffer.
What have I done?
Just tell me... am I the problem?
Or are you the problem and you're afraid that I'm your solution.
Predator
Not many people can say that they've seen a Wolf in sheep's clothing.
I have come to know one personally.
Starting out soft, warm and inviting.
Not realizing the sharp claws that scratched me so often.
I ignored the markings... making excuses that they were self inflicted.
Their howls and sharp teeth picked at my scabs...
Making me bleed.
Once I finally pushed back, the Wolf made its way into the herd.
It tries to blend in, but you can still see the dark rough coat of its fur.
Claws instead of hooves like the rest of us have.
My soft cries of warning are only heard by a few, but not all.
I can only save so many.
The rest have to learn...
The rest have to suffer, like I've suffered.
The rest have to see the Wolf disguised as one of us.
Lust Letters (Part 2)
You are new to my list of lovers....
Strong. Swift. Smooth.
Easy on the eyes with a velvet tongue.
A distraction waiting to happen.
My mind wanders thinking of you.
I'm like a kid with a brand new toy... ready to see what you can do.
I wake with you on my mind.
My arousal rattling me to the bone.
What are you thinking as you watch my every move?
Surprised that a good girl can make you feel such marvelous things.
You judged a book by its cover... something that all my lovers have done.
Where do you see this going?
Long term?
You seem like the temporary type.
Give me one reason why I should give this a chance... You could be like the others.
Another page in my book.
Another story to tell my girlfriends.
A waste of my time.
I want consistency and that is the damned truth.
You have proven yourself there, but what else can you give me?
I'm waiting to raise the red flag.
To guard my heart with barbed wire.
I'm tired of giving my all only to be stomped on and kicked to the side.
My heart is worn from the bandages and false words of hope.
Will you help me heal or will you mow down my fences?
Give me a reason to trust you.
State of Mind (Part 4)
Are those your cries or my own that keep me awake at night?
Sinking.... How deep is the hole I am falling into?
I'm reaching and clawing at the surface, but there is nothing for me to grab on to.
It's the shadow...
Dark and gloomy.
Keeping me awake at night.
It grabs at my arms...
My legs.... my feet and my throat.
Muting my screams.
Tightening its grip... taking away my voice and air.
I can't tell if I'm awake or asleep anymore.
Pray they say and the night terrors will go away.
It won't.... I know it won't go away because it is constant.
Blending my dreams with my everyday routine.
I'm starting to feel numb and that is not how I want to be.
Wednesday Night Chills
I sat up late last night... Trembling from my tears.
You have carved your initials in my heart.
The pain has set in because your marks are so deep.
I thought I was being cautious... learning from my past mistakes.
But I guess the teacher is still the student.
My Cave of Wonders holds a jar of purple Keys.
Each one more special than the other... oozing with my affection.
Yours, glowing brighter and brighter as you grip it within your hands.
'Handle with care' in bold red letters written on the label.
You don't care.
Just here to get your fix.
Taking from me... and not giving anything in return.
My sobs can be heard from the Heavens as another piece of my heart shatters.
I can't bring myself to hate you because that is not who I am.
I do however feel sorry for you.
Things could have been great...
I'm a real diamond in the rough.
You never would've had to worry about having a true friend by your side.
Now, you will always wonder... while I drift on to the next.
I'm wrapping a layer of tape around the jar, making the next work hard to get my Key.
Hopefully he will be man enough to actually appreciate it.
State of Mind (Part 14)
It catches me by surprise...
Every. Single. Time.
Starting out small and sending tingles throughout my body.
The grasp... cold and rough.
Scratching at my chest,
Digging through my skin.
Finally, wrapping its hands around my throat and forcing its way into my mouth.
Holding my tongue captive.
My mind freezes and I'm suddenly unaware of my surroundings.
It's hard to breathe...
It's difficult to move.
I'm captured.
Why can't I fight it?
Why does it have so much control over me?
Why can't I escape?
The three haunting questions... making me dizzier by the second.
My soul is drowning...
Being sucked under the thick mud that has seeped into my life.
My hands shake...
My Skin tingles...
My Blood Runs Cold.
The grasp is around my heart and I feel as if I won't make it.
Tears stream down my cheeks as the Demons continue to taunt me.
Constantly reminding me that I'm not good enough.
My screams can't be heard because I am finally pulled under.
I'm Trapped.
I can't breathe....
And I don't know what to do anymore.
The Lie I Tell...
Is small, but bigger than you all know.
It's something that is asked often, but I Lie every time.
A white Lie that grows a shade darker each time it is told.
Do I mean to Lie? Yes...
No.
Do I want anyone to know the truth? No!
Yes.
Finally, see the sadness behind my eyes...
(But I'm sure it is oh so noticeable.)
My Lie holds the shattered pieces together...
From the stones that have been thrown in my glass house.
The cracks are there but to all of you...
I keep myself "intact" and "happy."
Go ahead.
Ask the dreaded question...
Hopefully, I will actually mean it...
Or maybe I will continue to say the rehearsed line...
"I'm fine."
Forbidden Fruit
I understand Eve's temptation as she picked the juiciest apple from the tree.
Glistening from the precipitation kissing its red flesh.
My hands quiver as I reach to pluck it from its stem...
Ignoring your voice in the back of my head.
I'm ravenous...
Skin hot to the touch...
Mouth watering from the vibrant crimson red apple in my palm.
I know it's wrong to feel this good, but what harm could one bite do?
You told me to stay away, nevertheless the desire was too much to bare.
My Cup Runneth Over
I have accepted the fact that I am an emotional woman.
If I had to describe it to someone who didn't quite understand, I would tell them that I am a glass and my emotions are water.
My day starts with half a glass...
More of sadness and anger than any other feeling.
My hobbies periodically sip from the glass to keep it from reaching the brim.
But sometimes... I'm not thirsty.
And my glass overflows.
Vulnerability makes itself known.
The Elephant in the Room
I have become the thing that everyone stops and whispers about.
Distasteful glances and hushed harsh words.
Butterflies in my stomach... sadly not the good ones.
The odd man out.
And you made me this way.
I've opened up... more than I should have.
Laid my heart on the table.
Not realizing that the shadow over my shoulder would snatch it up before you did.
Depression.
Always lurking around the corner... sharpening its claws to pierce my soul.
I'm not sure you truly understand what I go through.
Or maybe you don't want to understand how I feel.
You led me to the stage.
Told me I could do it, as you stepped back into the crowd...
Taking the confidence with you.
I'm frozen...
Tongue-tied...
Vulnerable...
All eyes on me.
I look to you for help... You smirk but never step forward.
Enjoying my embarrassment.
Telling everyone that you don't know what is wrong.
When in fact you do... you took from me and left nothing in return.
The cold embrace takes me into its arms and I'm lost, trying to figure out how I'm going to break free.
Secret Glances
Two pairs of eyes I find constantly watching me.
The first pair watching through innocent lenses,
While the other is unsure they should be watching me so closely.
I try to be a good girl and keep my eyes cast down, concentrating on my work… but temptation gets the best of me.
I like to think of the first pair of eyes as a wolf… frightening yet misunderstood.
A true sweetheart once the words leave his lips.
Our exchanges have become the highlight of my day… almost like honey in my tea on a cold winter evening.
I have to be careful with you… because a wolf can be unpredictable and our encounters can be dangerous.
Pair of eyes number two, you are candy for the soul.
Sticky.
Sweet.
And oh, so good.
I can’t get enough of having your eyes all over my body.
If I give in to my urges… I will get a cavity.
Heat radiates through me whenever I feel your presence in the room.
We’re both supposed to be off-limits but we’ve captured small moments together.
Whispers as we pass by each other…
Glancing when we think the other is not looking…
The dance of our fingertips when passing items to one another.
But then we quickly remember our place and take back the roles of being loyal to our significant others.
Can you feel my eyes lusting after you like yours are for me?
I really try to keep my eyes down because I am a good girl…
But damn do I miss being bad.
Confessions
I want to cry.
In front of everyone so that they can see that I’m not okay.
My mind has taken a sledgehammer to my knees and I can’t get back up.
I am not one of God’s strongest soldiers…
I am one of the wounded.
The wounded that likes to disguise their pain so that their loved ones are not fighting alone.
I want to run away from the battlefield.
You’re trained and prepped for this life but no one ever tells you how hard it really is.
Sleep deprivation…
Internal abuse…
Anxiety that keeps you in a chokehold…
The Man fucking you with no lubrication and saying that YOU asked for it.
I want to cry…
Every damn day.
I am drained and exhaustion is taking over.